Hi! I would love to see a photographic retrospective of all your favourite pics of Ovi’s arse. I, too, think its raw power and beauty is underrated, and I have complete faith that you have awe-inspiring photos of it I’ve never seen before, but need to. Thank you! ❤️💙

Oh anon. I’m not sure I can do this request justice. Maybe I can dig up a few pictures, just a couple of select favorites, and post about them in a tasteful manner HAHAHAHAHA HAD YOU GOING THERE DIDN’T I BUCKLE UP BUTTERCUP AND LET’S LOOK AT SOME ASS AND YELL ABOUT IT.

A thoughtful and articulate person would put these under a cut and not make sure a long-ass (hee) post, but I think I have established by now I am not that kind of person. So. Longish post ahead! With butts. Not really NSFW but full of the inherent danger that any picture post featuring Alex “NO TIME FOR CLOTHES” Ovechkin brings to the table, where someone glancing over your shoulder at work might do a double take.

So. Ovi’s ass! Arse if you’re *squints* British? Australian? Whichever it may be. Much like his passing skills, Alex Ovechkin’s ass is seriously underrated, and I have a theory as to why. But first, let’s get acquainted with a classic pic:

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Look at that thing. It’s glorious. It’s utterly delightful. ENHANCE.

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Pure artwork. Here it is facing the other side. Those white spandex leggings are doing everything they can to contain it, and only just barely succeeding.

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Anyway, the reason I think the Ovechkin ass is underrated is that people simply get distracted by the fact that Ovi tends to wander around in– uh, how do we say this diplomatically– really fucking bizarre pants, OR, he just leaves off clothes altogether. They get so caught up in whatever sweatjean nonsense or Ovechkin front-junk is going on, that the ass is somehow overlooked. Which is a shame.

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Because, like. It’s right there! RIGHT IN PLAIN VIEW.

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Though, not always. Sometimes it plays coy, and must be coaxed into view. This is usually prelude to some other scheme. (I like how Mike Green doesn’t even pretend not to look, at either the top or below pictures. He’s seen it before. He’s gonna see it again. Nicky is like, it’s right behind me, isn’t it? And Greenie’s like, yeah bro, it is.)

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In fact, the Ovechkin ass is capable of taking on certain coloration patterns as a mating display ritual, usually with the goal of gaining a specific teammate’s attention. Here we see a magnificent display, with the blue and yellow colors most likely indicating that he’s presenting with the hopes of catching the eye of a Swede. (Note how he’s managed to also intrigue a fellow Russian.)

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Color patterns are only half the story. The Ovechkin ass will also undergo several feats of athletic prowess in order to more fully display its wide range of capabilities and talents.

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These presentation feats may start out simple but quickly escalate to even more daring displays.

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Sometimes there’s even head bobbing and singing involved.

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And tramp stamps. Oh yes, when all else fails, there are tramp stamps.

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SUCCESS. His target (preemptively sensing the camera and mostly hiding in this picture) has given in and placed a Proprietary Hand to mark its territory.

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Such is the power of the Ovechkin ass that is is strong enough to attract attention from even the fiercest, most opposite of enemies, to the point where these enemies might even become teammates and friends later.

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The Ovechkin ass is well known for its capabilities of breaking the speed of light as well:

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It is impervious to colder temperatures that other asses would quail at, and gleefully exposes itself all the more:

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I think we’re gonna need to zoom in.

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That’s the stuff. Undergoing regular exercise and grooming rituals keeps it in peak condition.

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WHOOPS HOW DID THAT LAST ONE GET IN THERE.

In conclusion, Alex Ovechkin is, in the language of the young people today, thicc, and you should let yourself be seduced by that. It’s what he’s going to try to do to you anyway:

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I hope you enjoyed that, Anon.